self doubt.

You know sometimes listening to other's glorious stories or sucesses doesnt necessary mean a good thing.
It makes you feel how tiny you are, how inconpiscous you can be.
I am always a failure. In every realm.
I dont have flair in arts. My drawing sucks.
Music can never be my powress. I know nothing about the notes.
Math and Science? My indisputably Achilles heel. I scored 2 for my Math test before.
Business? Are you kidding me? I hate fumbling with numbers.
Cooking and bakery? If only you dare to try.
Sports? I would probably die gasping for air.
Language? Seems like the only thing I am comfortable with.
But...
If 100 is the full mark in terms of proficiency, 40 would most probably be the highest for me.

You know sometimes you really dont wanna listen to such stories. But so unfortunately you are surronded with them.
You have siblings and  cousins who struck straight As in their public exam and remained top students during their scholar life.
You have cousins who work as accountant and lawyer and earn a considerable sum of money each month.
You have cousin who was the runner up of math competition at the national level.
You have friends from primary school are now lawyer-and-doctor-to-be and speak effing good English.
You have parent's friends child who scores 3.96 in S'pore college and prepares for scholarship application to study abroad.

Wow, spectacular? Cant deny. Who are you then?  You remain the comparison of them so it shows a terribly great contrast.
I am not a top student. Never. I obtained normal or probably low grade.
I dont work now. Even if i do, the pay may probably be sufficient only for each month's expenses.
I didnt take part in any competition. None of the trophy in the cabinet belongs to me.
I am just a El students. The farrest i can go will probably be higher educator. How much money do you think I can make? And I speak terrible English.
Scholarship? Can only be in my dream perhaps.

Remorseful? I am. I never strived? No, I did. But just people strive double or maybe triple than i did. I am not blaming or what. oh wait, maybe i am. But just dont know why  am I always not the lucky one, why am I always the insignifacant one. Then what do you do? You hide in the corner, begin self-doubting and see your confidence ebbing or vanishing gradually.

It is not something personal. Sometimes you just feel like you dissapoint your parents. Becasue when they talk about you in front of the relatives and  their friends, they got nothing to be proud of. Like erm... this is my second daughter and she studies EL in university. Full stop. That's it. You understand that? You can call it vanity but deep down inside every parents' heart, there is just something they dont speak out but do potray in their faces, isnt it?

Sigh. It's time to get up and think over it again.

Nights peeps.