Damn!

Damn, why do all troubles come at the same time?
I hate FYP!!!!!!
I hate FYP!!!!!!

Arghhhhhhh!!!!!!!

self doubt.

You know sometimes listening to other's glorious stories or sucesses doesnt necessary mean a good thing.
It makes you feel how tiny you are, how inconpiscous you can be.
I am always a failure. In every realm.
I dont have flair in arts. My drawing sucks.
Music can never be my powress. I know nothing about the notes.
Math and Science? My indisputably Achilles heel. I scored 2 for my Math test before.
Business? Are you kidding me? I hate fumbling with numbers.
Cooking and bakery? If only you dare to try.
Sports? I would probably die gasping for air.
Language? Seems like the only thing I am comfortable with.
But...
If 100 is the full mark in terms of proficiency, 40 would most probably be the highest for me.

You know sometimes you really dont wanna listen to such stories. But so unfortunately you are surronded with them.
You have siblings and  cousins who struck straight As in their public exam and remained top students during their scholar life.
You have cousins who work as accountant and lawyer and earn a considerable sum of money each month.
You have cousin who was the runner up of math competition at the national level.
You have friends from primary school are now lawyer-and-doctor-to-be and speak effing good English.
You have parent's friends child who scores 3.96 in S'pore college and prepares for scholarship application to study abroad.

Wow, spectacular? Cant deny. Who are you then?  You remain the comparison of them so it shows a terribly great contrast.
I am not a top student. Never. I obtained normal or probably low grade.
I dont work now. Even if i do, the pay may probably be sufficient only for each month's expenses.
I didnt take part in any competition. None of the trophy in the cabinet belongs to me.
I am just a El students. The farrest i can go will probably be higher educator. How much money do you think I can make? And I speak terrible English.
Scholarship? Can only be in my dream perhaps.

Remorseful? I am. I never strived? No, I did. But just people strive double or maybe triple than i did. I am not blaming or what. oh wait, maybe i am. But just dont know why  am I always not the lucky one, why am I always the insignifacant one. Then what do you do? You hide in the corner, begin self-doubting and see your confidence ebbing or vanishing gradually.

It is not something personal. Sometimes you just feel like you dissapoint your parents. Becasue when they talk about you in front of the relatives and  their friends, they got nothing to be proud of. Like erm... this is my second daughter and she studies EL in university. Full stop. That's it. You understand that? You can call it vanity but deep down inside every parents' heart, there is just something they dont speak out but do potray in their faces, isnt it?

Sigh. It's time to get up and think over it again.

Nights peeps.

=(

My heart aches inexplicably,
Reading those comments in your profile.
My heart aches inexplicably,
Thinking you are holding her hand, and going for a date.

=(

Congratulations

Congratulations.

The only word I can say.

All the best to you and the lucky girl.

Ache

The first time i know exactly how it feels when your heart is being stabbed.

Ache is no longer sufficient to describe it.

It's far more beyond that.

Btw, my highest gratitude to all who had shown concerns over me. I love you all. No worries, I will be allright very soon. Just give me some times.

Thanks again. =)

=X

At last my wish is not granted.

This is official.

Leave me alone.

Mamak

Ok, bear with the randomness. But I forgot to tell Ghany's mutton murtabak is superbly

TOOTHSOME !

I know

I dont wish to experience any emotional breakdown.

So please dont spare my any chance.

Please.

I know I am nobody. Forgive me for the eeriness.

21-13, 14-21, 21-10

Well, seems like it really doesnt matter much the fact I like Lin Dan or not. He still won.

Damn.

Okok, sportmanship sportmanship. I am a civilised fan =P

Hoping good news from both squash and bowling squad tmr.

Oni Oppa fighthing =P

=.=

Spinning spinning spinning. Finally i discovered my watch in the washing machine.

The same place where my pendrive certified dead.

I have no idea what will come next. Let's just pray that I will be not be that absent-minded and careless.

Sweat.

Hope. Any?

So, we had just missed out a gold.

So will tomorrow?

*Touchwood*

I mean Lin Dan is just way too invulnerable.

But you know i wouldnt want him to win.

All the best, Dato Lee.

ipoh ipoh

Bought two belts, a purse, a frock...Half of my just-withdrawn money gone. Sigh. I believe there will be more added to my list if it was not due to time constraint. Blessing in disguise. Save up ya. *ahem*

Oh typical girl. Shopaholic.

Oh wait, credit to all my companions. It was truly a wonderful day brimming with laugther.

The fishballs. The crabs. The prawns. The veges. The fish. The chicken. The hotdogs. The mushrooms. The corns. The udon. The steamboat.

And i am really really thankful. From the bottom of my heart.

Cheers.

AC's books

I want Agatha Christies's books. Seriously.

I'd just missed the chance of getting her books. Each book for RM5, you know?

RM5. Dammmnnn it.

Three Act Tragedy is what i wish to read currently. My interest had kinda been kindled just after 20 pages of reading. Too bad i was running out of quota. Why at this time? Why?

Sigh.

Oh ya, did i tell you i have fancy over detective story?

bookmania

I wish the whole library were mine.

Ok-larr, not to be so greedy. At least the fiction and non-fiction part.

Can or not?

title-less

I am such a weirdo huh.

I mean how possible can fire sparkles without friction.
The secret crush of me, on you, goes the same.

I dont even know you. The four words remain the only conversation of us. I mean the verbal one. I dont get to meet you. Not even once.

For no reason, I fall. Deeply. Unwittingly.

I know the math. The possibility is slender. Oh oh sorrry, is zero. How good if the zero here means something. You know, like the zero in the temperature, seems like reaching the end, but has yet to.

If only.

Reality is cruelty. The amount of effort you put doesnt always equate the amout of success. Umm, math just doesnt really make sense this way.

Aint it?

-

Oh please, one more episode of The Mentalist!

No, no way. It's now 4am.

Good night world. XD

Help

Argh, anyone knows where to download the US drama series with English subtitles?

Yes, ENGLISH subtitles. Like those Singaporean dramas. It helps me learn better.

Thanks in advance.

pala papapa i'm loving it

The Mentalist:

" Someone who uses mental acuity, hypnosis and/or suggestion.

" A master manipulator of thoughts and behaviour."

The series that i am currently obssessed with.

Have a look people. It worths your attention and time. Hehe.

twiblog

Yeap people, my blog now officially becomes my twitter for i dont know why i couldnt access to twitter anymore >.<

So let's tweet.

XD

Couch potato

CSI: New York
CSI: Miami
CSI: Vegas
Glee
Gossip Girl
The Mentalist
NCIS
Crimimal Minds
Prison Break
Supernatural
Survivor
America Next Top Model
Lie To Me
The Big Bang Theory
Fringe
Grey's Anatomy

All the series that i've been watching.
Life without FYP is just so good =(

T.T

A great picture tells a thousand words. So does your move. It doesnt really need to be something uttered from your mouth. Yes, need no to be literal. It's almost 2 and you are still here. Quite obvious, no? The earlier signing off doesnt mean knack but rather, avoidance. I understand it. But couldnt really accept it. No no, it has nothing to do with you but my obstination.

Yes, I am that scary.

Heartache.

Fumn

I am getting really fed up with this little remote kampung. Not even a single thing here makes my day.
Oh wait, perhaps teh tarik is the only one.

Yup, the only one. Nothing more than that.

Damn.

Haih

i got conned. So stupid >.<
It's a scam. People nowadays are getting really bored. wtf.
Praying hard it will not be spread or disclosed.

Zzzzzzz....

Be smart. Nites people.

=(

Posted by a friend of mine:

" Life just doesnt promise us any tomorrow."

Live life to the fullest, with no regret.

Cherish the moment we have.

Love.

Lalalala~~

La la la la , you are so cute

La la la la, you are mine

XD

Nitesss.

Gloom invasion

Roaming at the midnight, thinking nonsense can be part of the nocturnal. Yes, especially for people like me, in sheer melancholy. I'd done what i should, i supposed but i am not sure if it reaches the max. What am I freaking sure is that all my endeavour has gone in vain, completely.

Nope, maybe it's still early to say so. See, people who dont want to face the reality always have some false hopes to soothe themselves. Too bad. False hope? I never really want it to be true. For once in ten years, it's not really sth easy for me. The best part still, is, knowing the outcome, but you cant seem to give up.

I never really understand why people groan so hard for every single unpleasant circunstance in love. Ironically, now i know, only when it truly occurs to me. *sigh*

I dont even in the mood to continue the rest. Mind goes completely blank. All i know is that i miss him like crazy.

That's it. Hoping for some lucks. Good night world.

ARGH!

ARGHHHHH!!!

Erm.. ok, i admit i've been pestering with this little vexation in life which costs me some insomnic nights. Rolling on the bed, thinking of the same question again and again, figuring out all the possibilities, envisaging a flights of fancy and falling asleep unwittingly....

What has gone wrong me?

I cant tell you literally. My mind is in complete turmoil.

Exam? Ya. it could be the most identifiable issue. I cant concentrate at all. I seem to lose all the enthusiasm in studying. Every single thing that i'd studied, either it cant enter my mind or i forgot. And the 3 papers that i'd sat for so far, were all disastereous!

I am super worrried now.  No remedy to it this time. Not even teh tarik can heal. My GPA, CGPA. Oh gosh, all gone. I dont want to graduate with lower division, seriously! ARGHHHHHH!!! But seemingly i am the one who jeoperdises all these, haih. Now that i can only pray hard. Please please!

Well, that's part of it. Another half, erm... that's even harder. I never expected the leverage to be that strong and so when it turned out to be, it put me in agony. For most of the time i think i am rational, i am not. Is that merely hypnosis, overestimation or camouflage?  I dont know.

The point here is, I am starting to be a lil irrational. I fall for sth which is so so so unrealistic, which is so so so inaccessible. The best part is that knowing the outcome will not be the agreeable one, still, that doesnt thwart me. Haih. Making my life real perplexed now.

Why? Why are you so attracting yet so distracting? Why? Allright allright, somebody should just wake me up and tell me that i have one more paper to go. Just one more. Stay focused stay focused!!

In two days time i will be free, temporarily. But it's allright, perhaps i will have the gut yeap to talk to you by the time as I really wish for a long time.

Ooopsss, nap time. All the best in the last paper, people!

Oh ya. i ate brinjal for once in 22 years just now, spectacular?

XD

Whatever-lar

Implication of social network?

Be prepared to lose your privacy! Be prepared to accept things you like or you dont!

Some selfish people are just not going to think on behalf of you. They still think it's funny. And the ridiculous thing of all is, they dont like people to do the same on them. Well, and now you got the happiness buliding within the pain of others for like second times?  Satisfied?

What-ever-lar.

Cameras are yours.

Hands are yours.

Brains are yours.

I've got nothing to say.

Fine

Just because i dont throw tantrum, doesnt mean that i dont have it at all.

Be aware of my limit. I mean...

DONT GET ME STARTED!

ARGHHHHH!

learning theory?

So after several drafting in my heart, I finally decided to conform with the conscience of my true feeling. It's has been pestering me for quite a while and I seriously feel suffocated.

Describe me as mean or sinful. The thing i need for the moment is some sort of release and a sheer frankness to my own feeling. Sorry for treating my blog as a way to release what I can never say in the real life.

I am coward. But I have to say anyhow.

I mean at the first place I am willing to explain. But be reminded only until a certain extent can it be. I am willing to explain in a sense that I can explain certain things by giving the concept as a whole but not translating points by points and then feeeding them to you each by each. You have to undesrtand there are not always words or phrases in one language which are completely compatible to another language. For me understanding doesn not always come from literal or surface translation of the words, but the essence out of all the points.

I am really really having knack in translating and explaining them points by points. For once I nearly crack for scratching my head to find a suitable word to explain it and at the end i found myself talking nonsense. It's not that i dont understand the things but just sometimes my understanding depends very much on 'feel'. Be in my incapability or what, it's something that I could not tell in words. And perhaps you have to slowly grope for the 'feel'.

Yeah, there is no right or wrong. It's just some sort of discrepencies in our learning style. Therefore, that's all about suggestion but not criticism. Or can it be grouch as well.  I know everyone has their own learning style which they feel comfortable with. But for many times i feel really hard to cope with yours. Not everytime does the dictionary help in giving us the exact expression we want because there is always correlation of the meaning of words with the context. So, it's unlikely for me to feed you with everything in Mandarin.  I sincerely hope that i can explain it according to my style.

I am not looking down on you. I understand your situation but I feel sorry at the same time because it is not something that i could help. So dont overestimate me cause i am not as good as you imagine. I am still willing to help but I need a favour from you to corperate with me as well. Yeah, now you know why teaching can never be my profession.

Hooooooo.....tomorrow will it be another dreadful and intense day for me. I need more strength.

Ok, enough of lamenting, off to bed now.

See you!

Oh failure!

Hey babe, I am now back for blogging again but for something really really really bad.

Never had me been so humiliating in my life thus far. The entire process was a sheer embarrassment and disaster. I almost shed into tears in front of 30 ppl, can you imagine? Somehow, i need to concede it is part of my fault also because, well, is upon my incumbence to do the final checking and apparently i did not.  I do not even dare to think or post the last fews word he said which has now become a life-long trauma for me, yeap, for the sake of saving my last dignity. I know it sounds so contradictory but i just need a little bit of it, yeap, just a little bit...

Depressed, remorseful, confidence shattered. He is right. Even me myself can't tolerate such funny and simple mistakes. Especially for the honour of holding aloft ,yeap, a EL degree and also the prospect of EL in our country. It'sso amusing or probably astounding, i am still able to survive, till now... EL, is now, no more my forte. Still very ironically am I wondering when can I achieve the native-like competency. So ambitious huh?

Oh failure of every realm, can you at least excel in language?

=(

This is not what i wish to see.

Please stop it for the sake of peace.

I hate it seriously especially when there is none of my business, i get the face as well.

Good, continue to fake off a grin and pretend like nothing ever happens.

This is what the uni life teaches you, ain't it?

If

People say:

" Dont dwell in the past."

But at the moment, i really wish i could

Turn back the time.

Homo sapien

Hooooooo…

I am physically and mentally drained.

I just don’t understand why people wanna make their life so difficult. They are seriously in lack of sequential organization where they don’t know more important matter should be conferred at first. The worst part is they almost have a spat on those not-so-important matters. I am really really sick of implying them to stop. You see, when something cannot be reached in consensus, there come the conflicts. So why don’t just tolerate? What is the point of being so insistent when it doesn’t concern any of your privileges? Is it so hard to feign a smile and say ‘yes’, ‘ok’, ‘I agree’, ‘not bad’?

These people are really peculiar and complicated. They like their life being burdened.

Probably I am not the responsible type. To be honest, disguise and hypocrisy is sometimes, NO, is MANY times, inevitable. I believe sometimes it is a way to survive and also protect yourself. For so many times you get an idea and is about to voice it out, you choke it back. The reason is rather simple, you do not want to offend anybody, you don’t want to see the disgruntled face in anyone of them and on the top of all, you don’t want to be boycotted or backstabbed.

I see no point of arguing. Because I still have a sense of respect. Subsequently, I will try not to say something which will pique or hurt others when I am in the group. Jokes are excluded of course. I mean those who express them in a very serious and real mode. Why do so when the consequences you get are only the adverse one?

And you can be really really frustrated and fed up when it does happen around you. What to do? You can only fake off a grin, agree with neither party and pretend like nothing ever happens.

The philosophy of socializing, you can neither acquire nor learn.

For me, at least.

1st day of Y2S3

First day of lecture, I'd already felt the stress, how?

I really could not imagine how am i gonna cope with the rest 14 weeks. I am seriously not in the mood to study. Especially in the super hot weather here.

I miss my home so much. Especially when CNY is around the corner.

I cant wait to go back for my CNY holidays, and I make holidays on my own, skipping 3 classes. Go back two days earlier. The reason is simple: I wanna feel the vibe of CNY in Segamat.

Countdown continued: 22 days left.

Something to Say

Ok, please dont kindly remind me how long did i not update.

I know i've been neglecting it. But i discover a weird phenomenon. I dont feel like blogging in my comfy home even i've got so many to tell.

I was at home when it's christmas and new year and i really wanna write something. Yes, my mind was drafting something but physically, i was mortionless. How sad!

Anyway, i am back now with my mind laden with so many different thoughts.

First of all, forget to tell that i am now in Kampar, that's why i am so motivated to blog now. But i don't see it as a good thing as i know it's merely a repercussion of being too bored.

I am just so reluctant to come back here. And homesickness becomes greater once i got down from the train.

Reality is always cruel.

I almost burst into tears thinking of every single moment I spent in my house. Lying on the couch, watching tv shows, reading newsapaper, visiting my relatives. You see how minute things can make me so emo.

And not to forget the enjoyable moment when I travelled to Singapore with my mum, shopped with my mum, dined with my family. All the time that spent with family is truly precious and the feeling is literally indescripable.

I went through my hardest moment in the last few months of 2009. I was strcuk with giddyness for two consecutive times in one month which made me almost could not attend for the MLE exam. Half month later, my brother was admitted to hospital due to dengue fever. I felt so helpless at that moment where i could only pray to repel the dread in my heart.

I guess the incidents are enough to make me appreciate the bond of family. And therefore, my utmost new year resolution would be me myself and everyone around me to bless with good health. You dont know how phobia i am towards medicines, doctors, clinic and hospital.

This semester break had given me so many things. Regardless the happy or the sad one.  I began to be less attentive to the thing which is less important. Yet i must be very careful of the fine line between giving up and giving less priority.

Tomorrow will i start my new semester. Apparently i am not in the mood yet. Homesickness still gets the best part of me. It's so miserable.

Nevermind, maybe i can start counting down for the CNY holidays and i'll get a lot better.

Last but no least, have a healthy new year ahead, people!

till then, see you!